woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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