Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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