I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
