Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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