I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
