When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize