there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
