Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
