Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
