When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
