Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
