I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
