i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
