Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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