Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
