i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
