I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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