so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wish my penis had a tongue
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
