I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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