Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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