I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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