Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
