the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
