last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
