i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
