I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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