K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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