Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize