He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
