So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize