i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize