just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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