True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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