My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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