i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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