I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
