I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Green mimosas i think yes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
