You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
