My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
