Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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