I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
