In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
