dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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