just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
