Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
