First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
