On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
two words: eviction party
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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