Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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