I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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