The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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