i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize