i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize