i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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