I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
