Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
