remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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