you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
