I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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