I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
