if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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