apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
