I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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